there's me

If I published this post, maybe I'm still alive. If I'm still alive, I'm probably still suffering like a banshee.And if I'm still suffering, I still constantly think about suicide. If I think of suicide, it’s simply because the throbbing pain in the stomach, the feeling of not more understanding when I’m hungry and when I’m not to, the inability to sleep and the total lack of willpower, have taken over a mind that has become one-way thinking.Now the idea is so stabilized inside my head that I do not consider it more as a whim, or as a momentary state of mind. It’s not a way to call attention, nor a request for help.I'm not afraid anymore of the pain consequences. It is simply a step towards my inner peace.You can think of it as, for example, the big decision to abandon carnivorous kitchens to embrace a vegetarian diet. Or imagine yourself walking with a shopping cart in a supermarket and choose a type of pasta, rather than another.They are easy decisions. The election to nourish your body based on propylene tastes can easily be compared to the choice to live according to your own feelings.And it happens that, after a lifetime of avoiding the rocks along the trail, or moving them or even jumping over them, a person find himself in front of an insurmountable boulder. So you cannot go back.And there’s no more trail in front of you.Here, in front of the boulder, there’s me.