a great consolation

If I published this post, maybe I'm still alive. If I'm still alive, I'm probably reading and studying to take the final step according to philosophers and thinkers who will accompany me in the last days.I must say it’s a great experience to relate a decision like this helped with great quotes. I’m not the only one. 

“The thought of suicide is a great consolation: by means of it one gets through many a dark night.”- Friedrich Nietzsche 

“Everything...affects everything” - Jay Asher 

“I waste at least an hour every day lying in bed. Then I waste time pacing. I waste time thinking. I waste time being quiet and not saying anything because I'm afraid I'll stutter.” - Ned Vizzini 

“My room is so quiet and empty it hurts.” - Nina LaCour 

“It is not worth the bother of killing yourself, since you always kill yourself too late.” - Emil Cioran “We cannot tear out a single page of our life, but we can throw the whole book in the fire.” - George Sand 

“I'm fine. Well, I'm not fine - I'm here.""Is there something wrong with that?""Absolutely.” - Ned Vizzini 

“Some people are just not meant to be in this world. It's just too much for them.” - Phoebe Stone “You might be looking for reasons but there are no reasons.” - Nina LaCour 

“I know, too, that death is the only god who comes when you call.” - Roger Zelazny 

“Crap. It's all crap. Living is crap. Life has no meaning. None. Nowhere to be found. Crap. Why doesn't anybody realize this?” - K-Ske Hasegawa

“Killing myself was a matter of such indifference to me that I felt like waiting for a moment when it would make some difference.” - Fyodor Dostoyevsky 

“Suicide only really frightens those who are never tempted by it and never will be, for its darkness only welcomes those who are predestined to it.” - Georges Bernanos 

“Life’s greatest gift is the freedom it leaves you to step out of it whenever you choose.” - André Breton 

“It is good to be a cynic — it is better to be a contented cat — and it is best not to exist at all.” - H.P. Lovecraft

“One little Indian left all alone, he went out and hanged himself and then there were none.” - Agatha Christie

“A man devoid of hope and conscious of being so has ceased to belong to the future.” - Albert Camus

I really love Albert Camus. You know who you are, and thanks to you to make me discovered a man so compatible with my feelings.

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the body is not breathing air

If I published this post, maybe I'm still alive. If I'm still alive, I'll probably making the fool error to think about survive.But not, i’m just looking for a good way to the end. End i discovered just a few minutes ago a page, called “lostallhope.com”And well, it’s the encyclopaedia for suiciders.I did not considered the plastic bag & gas method.According to Nitschke & Stewart, “the method is to fill the bag with gas, so that rather than breathing in oxygen, the gas is inhaled instead. This does not interfere with the body's unconscious desire to breathe, but the gas inhaled has no oxygen.Since the gas being breathed in has no oxygen, what is breathed out has no carbon dioxide. This combats the problem of breathing in air with high CO2 concentration where the body starts to get alarmed. Breathing in a gas with no oxygen content should render unconsciousness in a matter of seconds. Estimates for time to death with this method were not easy to find, although it would seem less than 10 minutes. 20 minutes of gas is said by Nitschke & Stewart to be more than enough to ensure death. Death should be relatively painless; although before being rendered unconscious there will be brief panic knowing that the body is not breathing in air. On discovery, the body will look like death was peaceful.Tasteless, odourless and non irritating gasses are sensible for this method. Helium, argon and nitrogen all fulfil those requirements, and are readily available to purchase (helium especially).The method works by running a pipe from the gas container into the bag, filling it with the gas, breathing out fully (important), then placing the bag, emptied of oxygen then filled with gas, around the head, ensuring the bag is sealed to the neck with elastic. The pipe from the gas container must keep flowing into the bag to ensure the gas concentrations are maintained, and a gas flow regulator can be helpful to ensure the gas flows in at a good rate. A few deep breaths in and out are all that is required to cause unconsciousness (can be up to two minutes though), with death following in around 13 minutes, although can take up to 40 minutes. An 8.8 cubic feet tank of helium should be enough to achieve this, although a bigger 14.9 cubic feet tank better. It is possible to join up two smaller tanks but that adds complication and risk of failure. It is probably also possible to use a small tent that can be sealed. Ideally pushing out all the air whilst inside it, making sure most air is pushed out before sealing the tent, then filling it up with helium, argon or nitrogen. However, this method might require using more gas, and does not seem to be discussed in suicide literature and forums as the preferred way of performing this method.Nitschke & Stewart in the Peaceful Pill Handbook describe in great detail how to create a reliable "exit" bag to use with this method. They also discuss recommended gas flows into the bag, how much gas is required and how to regulate the gas flow, thus maximising the chances of swift unconsciousness and the gas lasting long enough to ensure death.Whilst this method would seem highly effective, certain details must be done right otherwise brain damage is possible.This method causes swift unconsciousness so is not recommended for suicidal gestures. There is very little time for a change of mind.” But I realize long time ago I’ll never change my mind.

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digested for eternity

If I published this post, maybe I'm still alive. If I'm still alive, I'll probably be digested by termites for eternity.With the constant feeling of being chewed opposed to the absence of appetite, alternating with the insatiable hunger .It is not easy to answer because I want to stop to exist.I have personally lost a key piece of myself, because of my mistakes , and know that I have not the chance to return back in time to live in a clean way is an irreparable blow.The anxiety slowly takes over and looking my skin i cannot see but I feel thousands of injuries sweating pus.The problems can be solved when there are solutions.It was clear that I will have not not a solution.That the door is closed forever.I'm paying for a mistake. But I am a human being. My mistake does not deserve such a punishment. Do I have to pay for my mistake with my own life because I has been deprived of the opportunity to live it.The tips of my fingers and fingernails are distant relatives of those who were .I do not distinguish heat from cold. I’m pasing my days biting my nails, tearing the skin of the knuckles with my teeth.Everything that I've touched in the last three years has changed from gold to dust.And, coup de grace, I have to accept the decisions made by another one. But if i take a decision about my life I am accused of being selfish.I’m accused to hurt the person who brought me to this decision.That’s why.

"Nobody wants to know how you feel , yet, they want you to do what they feel. " -Michael Bassey Johnson-

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a sharp blade

If I published this post, maybe I'm still alive. If I'm still alive, I'm probably still suffering my greatest loss.The classic way to stop living: loosing all your blood. Exsanguination would be a pretty easy way to go except for the initial cut, ( probably really painful) but if you use a really sharp blade and have a few drinks beforehand, it won't hurt that much and you'll bleed out faster. Just make sure to do some anatomy research beforehand, and hit a major artery. The femoral artery would be a good place, easy to get to, and you'll leave a pretty corpse. Better do it in the shower so all the blood could just wash down the drain and you'll be nice and clean for whoever finds you. You'll lose consciousness fairly quickly, so it is a lot like falling asleep. But i’m not convinced. Especially for the cut. Someone wrote that the best way is probably by gas, CO2 or just CO being the most known, mixing chlorine bleach and ammonia and then breath the gas. And what about taking 60 xanax? I must doscovered fisrt what xanax is.I don’t want to hurt nobody else or set a stage for whoever finds my body. Probably i don’t want to be pretty creative, i just want to die faster.Suicide does not mean an article on a newspaper. I just want to stop suffering for a too big loss. Still thinking that Actrapid insuline is the best way.

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i'm a bastard

If I published this post, maybe I'm still alive. If I'm still alive, I'm probably still looking for the best way to end with my shitty life. I’m discovering that there are several good ways to kill yourself. I think about it constantly. Pobably the best one still the drugs, like insuline. Drugs it’s a good way to go, but you have to be smart about what you take. You can really have some fun and escape and the last few hours of your life will be without anxiety or fear or pain. Opiates are a good choice. I discovered that heroin won't kill you right away, actually. However, seems that the first time you shoot up it will be a little unpleasant. You have to get used to it first. (and i don’t want to) Then you just get really high, and your brain will forget how to breath. You will just fall asleep, stoned. Pretty nice but pretty expensive too. As another guy called Samuel (from a forum  explains, jumping is simple (but not easy). The problem with this approach is that your body will go into survival mode on the way down and you'll change your mind. The last few seconds of your life will end in agonizing terror, and there isn't any way to tell how much pain you'll suffer when you hit. If you landed feet first or flat, I suspect that a lot of stuff would break before death occurred. In any case, He wouldn't advise this route. He believes that hanging probably isn't so bad. You'll pass out pretty quickly and won't feel much except the pressure around your neck. You'll leave a nasty mess though, as your bowels will likely evacuate and your eyes could pop out of your head. It doesn't leave a pretty corpse. And, as i already wrote, i don’t want to leave a mess.I’m a bastard, but i don’t want that the last image of myself in the records of my family is my skull without eyes.But yes, i’m a bastard.

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thanks james

If I published this post, maybe I'm still alive. If I'm still alive, I'm probably still involving in the wonderful world of the legal drugs especially known to work perfectly as painless death.I know in a forum a guy called James. James suggested to get some Actrapid (Insulin) and inject 200IU subcut. He know I’ll fall into a hypoglycemic coma. No mess, no pain. He'll do it too. Indeed, by consulting the website of a manufacturer of this drug, I’ve accessed the general overview and the side effects, whit the special warnings for more than a dosage prescribed: “Signs of a drop in blood sugar level: cold sweat, cool pale skin, headache, fast heart beat, feeling bad, excessive hunger, temporary visual disturbances, tiredness and unusual weakness, nervousness or tremor, anxiety, confusion and difficulty concentration.A low level of blood sugar lowering may lead to loss of consciousness. If the low prolonged blood sugar level is not treated, can cause brain damage (temporary or permanent) and even death. Another great product from Scandinavia (Bagsværd, Denmark)Searching a little bit more I discovered that 200IU of Actrapid are deadly in a 100% of the cases. And just for 61.99 dollars from the web.

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planning strategies

If I published this post, maybe I'm still alive.If I’m still alive, it means that I’m still searching for a good way to end up all this mess.I founded something different today. “The Peaceful Pill eHandbook is the product of more than a decade of hands-on research, development & teaching in the area of end-of-life planning strategies by Australian physician & scientist, Dr Philip Nitschke.”I did never considered the option of pharmacy. And now, at the end, I discovered the “Pentobarbital”. And guess what? Totally free, and totally legal to purchase.I found really interesting the introduction Dr Nitschke wrote: “In an age where those in the West are living longer but sicker lives, & where we are more likely to die slowly of illness or old age itself, Exit International views a well considered end-of-life plan an important part of life-planning (just like funeral plans).Remember, ending one’s life is legal.Asking a loved one to assist you is illegal & can attract harsh penalties including imprisonment. At Exit International, we believe that with knowledge comes self-determination & that means a good life AND a good (and lawful) death.” You know….that’s is true! I just don’t know if i want to be assisted, i really think about do it alone by myself. By the way, it’s a really great option i must consider. Least but not last, in the webpage there’s also a forum where you can talk to people that understand what you’re going through and they can help you end your life in a painless peaceful way. People that, in my real life, seem don’t exist.

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needle

If I published this post, maybe I'm still alive.If I’m still alive, it means that I’m still considering a good way to kill myself.It’s incredible how many artistic bloody gore ways you can apply to yourself to reach the end. The fact we’re a big piece of meat with several weaknesses and a fragile anatomy can methods and can encourage more or less different paths to reach the same goal.I have absolutely clear that I do not want to leave a show more suitable for films of Tarantino and Rodriguez .Besides, I requested a card as a donor of organs. The fact that I smoked a little and stopped about five years ago, combined with the fact that I have never abused alcohol and I've never taken drugs, make that it would be a big waste having to throw in a container of organic waste entrails and organs of a nearly thirty-five healthy after all. (mind excluded)I also clear the fact of not wanting to suffer, the pain I'm feeling now is more than enough as a punishment for my mistakes.I also have to discard options that would allow my mind to rebel against my will and enter into a kind of survival mode.Throw myself from a very tall building, for example, it’s not feasible.I state that my first option is without doubt to inject oxygen into my vein.The one in my left arm. I’m right handed. 

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there's me

If I published this post, maybe I'm still alive. If I'm still alive, I'm probably still suffering like a banshee.And if I'm still suffering, I still constantly think about suicide. If I think of suicide, it’s simply because the throbbing pain in the stomach, the feeling of not more understanding when I’m hungry and when I’m not to, the inability to sleep and the total lack of willpower, have taken over a mind that has become one-way thinking.Now the idea is so stabilized inside my head that I do not consider it more as a whim, or as a momentary state of mind. It’s not a way to call attention, nor a request for help.I'm not afraid anymore of the pain consequences. It is simply a step towards my inner peace.You can think of it as, for example, the big decision to abandon carnivorous kitchens to embrace a vegetarian diet. Or imagine yourself walking with a shopping cart in a supermarket and choose a type of pasta, rather than another.They are easy decisions. The election to nourish your body based on propylene tastes can easily be compared to the choice to live according to your own feelings.And it happens that, after a lifetime of avoiding the rocks along the trail, or moving them or even jumping over them, a person find himself in front of an insurmountable boulder. So you cannot go back.And there’s no more trail in front of you.Here, in front of the boulder, there’s me. 

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